DEALING WITH THE FEAR OF LIFE LIMBO




This is a tough one to write but I feel like I need to get it all down somewhere so I can look back and remember this doubt. I don't know if it's because I turned 27 a couple of months ago or life has just happened in a different way than I expected - or maybe it's a mixture of both, but I've had this hanging cloud of doubt that I just can't seem to shake.

A few years back I was fearless. I didn't take no for an answer. I strived to be the best version of myself. I had a flat on my own that finally felt like home. I began to climb the career ladder in a job that I loved and although there were down days as there is with everyone, I wish I was still that girl. I feel like I've lost a part of me on the way. I've had a string of bad relationships that seemed so perfect in the beginning, but when reality hit and the dust settles they were never right. But were they not right because of the change I saw within myself? Am I striving for a life that doesn't exist?

I'm not someone who believes in marriage, and I've never wanted a house filled with children. In fact I actually don't know what my end goal is anymore. I had such a clear path outlined for myself and I can't even see where that path took a diversion. There's things I know that need to change but as I get close to finally plucking up the courage to do something about it, that cloud of doubt takes over and I retreat back into the comfort zone of 'fine' when I should be fucking loving life.

I've tried in recent weeks to not check social media as much too. Obviously it's hard as I work in marketing, as I constantly need to be in the know and I also feel obliged to post on my personal account every now and again.

Quoting myself from a blog post a few years ago; "It's ok to sometimes not be ok. It's ok to sometimes cry and feel like the world is against you. But the real test is what you do from this point." So on that note, I'm actually going to try and take my own advise and put myself up to the test.
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